12.31.2008
Dear 2008
Dear 2008,
Thinking back to all you did, you've been an interesting year as far as years go. Started off with a fancy pants internship, then serving burritos and margaritas, then Yankee stadium and the end of college and final papers and final projects and just final things.
Then I said good bye to New York, said hello to Australia, said hello to my basement, said hello to a fancy serving job, said hello to 5 stitches on my finger, then good bye to the stitches, hello to a scar, good bye to the basement, good bye to the job and then re-hello to New York and hello to an apartment and a job, then quickly good bye to the apartment and the job, and then a quick hello to a new apartment and that's where we are now.
You were a year of expectations and of inevitabilities, with some surprises thrown in just for kicks. And now you make me wait. Just wait until 2009 when things are supposed to happen. I guess it's fitting that we're in a presidential transition period, because that's mainly what you've been 2008, a transition year.
So cheers 2008, and let's hope you elected someone who gets things done with 2009
Asher
Thinking back to all you did, you've been an interesting year as far as years go. Started off with a fancy pants internship, then serving burritos and margaritas, then Yankee stadium and the end of college and final papers and final projects and just final things.
Then I said good bye to New York, said hello to Australia, said hello to my basement, said hello to a fancy serving job, said hello to 5 stitches on my finger, then good bye to the stitches, hello to a scar, good bye to the basement, good bye to the job and then re-hello to New York and hello to an apartment and a job, then quickly good bye to the apartment and the job, and then a quick hello to a new apartment and that's where we are now.
You were a year of expectations and of inevitabilities, with some surprises thrown in just for kicks. And now you make me wait. Just wait until 2009 when things are supposed to happen. I guess it's fitting that we're in a presidential transition period, because that's mainly what you've been 2008, a transition year.
So cheers 2008, and let's hope you elected someone who gets things done with 2009
Asher
12.24.2008
Truth about Santa
happy holidays all. here is a little known fact about our friend mr.
kringle. i hope you enjoy
No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of
organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and
germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (defined as persons under 18) in the world;
However, since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload down to 15% of the original total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's only 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh, and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which we know to be false but will accept for the purpose of these calculations), we are talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus eating, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer
can run 15 miles per hour at the most.
The payload on the sleigh add another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium size set of Lego building blocks (about two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer exist (see point 1), can fly very quickly (see point 2), and can pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine, reindeer. We would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they would burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within .00426 seconds. Santa, meanwhile,
would be subjected to forces 17,500 times greater than normal gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.
kringle. i hope you enjoy
No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of
organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and
germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (defined as persons under 18) in the world;
However, since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload down to 15% of the original total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that's only 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That is to say that for each Christian
household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh, and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which we know to be false but will accept for the purpose of these calculations), we are talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus eating, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer
can run 15 miles per hour at the most.
The payload on the sleigh add another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium size set of Lego building blocks (about two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer exist (see point 1), can fly very quickly (see point 2), and can pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine, reindeer. We would need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2.
353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they would burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within .00426 seconds. Santa, meanwhile,
would be subjected to forces 17,500 times greater than normal gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion, if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.
12.22.2008
It's Beginning to look a lot like...
Hannukah!
To all of you who celebrate, to all of you who don't, to all of you who have listened to Adam Sandler's song, or remember a Rugrat's Hannukah; to all of you, Jew, Goy, whatever, I wish you all jelly filled doughnuts, spinny plastic dreidels, sugar cookies shaped like menorahs and for the light of the candles to warm you if you're snowed in.
In times like these, I think we can all learn a lesson from the penny pinching Jews of our past who made 1 day's worth of oil last for 8 days.
Peace and good tidings to you all,
Asher
To all of you who celebrate, to all of you who don't, to all of you who have listened to Adam Sandler's song, or remember a Rugrat's Hannukah; to all of you, Jew, Goy, whatever, I wish you all jelly filled doughnuts, spinny plastic dreidels, sugar cookies shaped like menorahs and for the light of the candles to warm you if you're snowed in.
In times like these, I think we can all learn a lesson from the penny pinching Jews of our past who made 1 day's worth of oil last for 8 days.
Peace and good tidings to you all,
Asher
12.05.2008
Now Follow me on This one...
First, take this quiz --
Complete this headline from the BBC News website:"Pole dancing [...] at gallery"
A: Curators
B: Robots
C: Art students
Those of you who went out on a limb and said B, you would be oddly correct.
Now, take a moment to say those words in your head. "Robot pole dancing". Ok. Now say it out loud. It should be funny. You should be smiling. If you're at work and someone passed you by, they should be laughing. Robot Pole Dancing. The concept, idea, notion, mention and just sheer combination of those 3 words is comical.
Now, if you'll follow me on this international journey, read this article --
O, The British Are Coming
I would like someone to explain to me, in conversation or argument or a poem or an example from a movie or book or history lesson or something, but something to explain to me how the British can take the fun out of everything.
I don't know if it's more absurd that I think this is too absurd, or if it's too absurd that the Brits are making robot pole dancing serious contemporary art or that I can even have this discussion in my head and not explode.
Good night.
Complete this headline from the BBC News website:"Pole dancing [...] at gallery"
A: Curators
B: Robots
C: Art students
Those of you who went out on a limb and said B, you would be oddly correct.
Now, take a moment to say those words in your head. "Robot pole dancing". Ok. Now say it out loud. It should be funny. You should be smiling. If you're at work and someone passed you by, they should be laughing. Robot Pole Dancing. The concept, idea, notion, mention and just sheer combination of those 3 words is comical.
Now, if you'll follow me on this international journey, read this article --
O, The British Are Coming
I would like someone to explain to me, in conversation or argument or a poem or an example from a movie or book or history lesson or something, but something to explain to me how the British can take the fun out of everything.
I don't know if it's more absurd that I think this is too absurd, or if it's too absurd that the Brits are making robot pole dancing serious contemporary art or that I can even have this discussion in my head and not explode.
Good night.
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